Grief – it’s the price we pay.

“A life without struggle, is a life without colour”. You will grieve one way or another. You will grieve sooner or later.

We didn’t hug Him.

He still didn’t like physical affection, even though he’d learnt to trust us.

We knew this day was about Him.

We didn’t exactly know what He would be feeling but we knew He’d be struggling.

We all were.

I don’t know what you’re supposed to feel and how you’re supposed to react when you go and live with a new family.

We’d fostered this Little Kid for 15 months.

He’d arrived aged 3 years 7 months and was ‘toilet trained, a good sleeper, doesn’t say much’.

His adoption has been a few months in the paperwork and the planning. He’d had two weeks of introductions to His new family, and had already had a sleep over in His new home.

Today He was moving to their home, or rather to His home, for good.

We’d got on pretty well with his adoptive parents and we thought we’d probably be able to keep some contact with them.

This ball however, was entirely in their court, and we knew we may never see the Little Kid again.

It was a Tuesday.

Our front door closed and the Social Worker drove Him away.

We watched them disappear and burst into tears.

It was like a funeral and a birth all rolled into one.

I went to work.

Our birth kids went to school.

My wife went to work.

I guess there was a spare seat in his Reception Class where He’d been sitting for a term.

‘Say hello, wave goodbye’. My favourite Soft Cell song is their cover version of Tainted Love.

I remember the next few days were ones of relief.

The transition to adoption had gone as smoothly as it can, but it’s still a tense time.

We were all physically and emotionally exhausted.

Dealing with such exhaustion is relatively easy.

We relaxed.

We slept, we went to the cinema, we ordered take away, we watched TV.

We watched whatever we wanted on TV.

This was an exciting novelty, although I did once find myself watching Peppa Pig just out of habit.

We went to bed knowing we would not be interrupted by a distressed child in the middle of the night.

When a Foster Kid moves on, you can do whatever you want, more or less.

We knew we’d done a good job, and that gave us a sense of pride.

A few weeks later, we rang our Social Worker and said that we were available to foster again.

We had redecorated the Foster Room.

We were rested and relaxed

I thought I had recovered.

6 months later the grief hit me.

A few other tricky things were going on.

There was some stress at work, I had  a couple of minor health issues, and it seemed to be constantly raining.

Normally, I’d be able to deal with all these things.

This time I couldn’t.

I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t eat.

I’m a middle aged, middle class man, who has bumbled through life quite happily.

I did not know what I was experiencing, and certainly did not have the vocabulary to describe it.

My wife is cleverer than me.

She got me to talk.

I talked to her and I talked to a couple of close, wise friends, who just listened.

I began  to explore what I was feeling.

I went to the parks I’d been to with the Little Kid.

I watched the programmes I’d watched with the Little Kid.

I made a Playlist of the songs that reminded me of him.

I did some crying.

I like music, any kind of music. Every kid we’ve fostered has a Playlist. The songs help me remember, help me explore my feelings, and help me grieve.

I looked at photos.

I did a bit more crying.

I began to write down a little bit about what I was feeling.

Some of those writings turned into blogs.

I write my Blogs as a way of processing my feelings. Sometimes people read them . Occasionally people tell me they like them. That’s a bonus.

You’ll grieve one way or another.

You’ll grieve sooner or you’ll grieve later.

Not every Foster Kid has impacted me like that one.

But he certainly left the biggest imprint.

That Kid is happy, healthy and thriving in a loving home.

It was worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published by

fosteringandadoptionwithphil

Birth parent, Foster Carer, Adopter and Recruiter of Foster Carers for Liverpool City Council

11 thoughts on “Grief – it’s the price we pay.”

  2. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. We’re going through the fostering approval process right now and your blog is a huge source of conversation and inspiration. I’m happy that you found ways to explore this grief and really appreciate you sharing it x

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  3. Yes – each one that leaves is a loss, but achieving the goal we’ve all been working towards makes it all worthwhile. But yes – there’s definitely sadness. You pour everything you have into that child and suddenly there’s no-where for it to go – until the next one comes along.

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  4. Can I just say that we are preparing ourselves to start the fostering process in the summer and your blog has been really eye opening and helpful.

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      1. It’s too hard. No one really gets the grief if they’ve not been there. Been told to just move on. Don’t foster if it’s too sad for you etc. No support available. I’m don’t think I can do it again.

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      2. Hi
        It sounds like you’re having a very tough time
        Do you have a support network?
        If you’re burnt out, or just tired it’s fine to stop!
        In fact, you should stop.
        There’s a blog about Self Care on my website…have a look, and please look after yourself
        Xxx
        Phil

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  5. Thank you for your words of wisdom. My grandson has been in different foster homes since the age of five. I was unsuccessful at kinship care. His birth mum was happy for me to care for him when it suited her pre-care proceedings. When the crunch came for Judge Lazarus to make a decision I was turned down, despite having a loving bond with my grandson, on the grounds that his mum and nobody in the court room wanted me to look after him. Apart from his mum in court there was her then boyfriend, an alcoholic who used cocaine, her ex-boyfriend a cannabis user and dealer, the SW who had interviewed me and put me forward for kinship then changed her mind after an incident at the contact centre where she shut my grandson’s fingers in the door (he was five) and I had said the accident could have been prevented had she pushed him back from the door as he ran toward her rather than shutting it with her body with his fingers being trapped. His mum had just left the room and she stood in front of door as he ran toward it. The LA barrister who had never met me, two solicitors who had never met me and my own ‘last minute’ barrister that had met me that morning, spoken to me for 20 minutes for me to try to explain the situation. There were also two other grandparents present who disliked me because I told the SW about their son’s drug use (not my grandson’s bio father). I was charged £1300 legal fees for an hour with a solicitor the week before who organised the barrister who was in attendance for two hours while waiting for our case to be called. My grandson has had seven foster care moves and is now in a home in Lancashire a five hour drive from me, his uncle and aunty who love and miss him very much. He is addicted to his x-box and doesn’t have a school place. He has just turned 14. There are some nice key workers and carers at the home which is reassuring but I feel empty and my grief saps my joi de vivre, despite having two beautiful granddaughters to help look after two days a week. Thank you for being there for children in need and actually caring about them. It is very reassuring for those of us who have lost children to the ‘system’ thank you.

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